An Open Letter to the Cast of “Big Brother 13”
by Drew, the Big Brother Cynic
As you get ready to embark on “the adventure of a lifetime” (get ready to hear that every time Julie opens her mouth), allow me
to tell you something that you already know: there is no one way to win Big Brother. Polar opposites like Evel Dick and (Jeff &)
Jordan have both walked away with the $500,000, so clearly there’s no magic formula for success.
However, while the secret to winning remains a mystery, history has proven that there are several easy ways to lose your shot
at the grand prize. So please take these three helpful hints with you into the Big Brother house this season.
1. Don’t You Forget About Us
Over the course of three months cut off from the world, as putting on a microphone and visiting the Diary Room become
routine, you might occasionally forget that millions of people are watching you (should you happen to be a cute blonde, I
recommend doing this in the shower).
But never forget that we’re all watching. And, above all else, keep in mind that we will eventually be given the power to
vote on something. It may be as simple as cash or something as game-changing as an unfair power that ultimately decides
game (yes, Jeff and Jordan, never forget that you were handed that money on a silver, Coup d'état-tinted platter).
So, I’m not saying you should put on a fake smile for 90 days, but maybe keep one or two of those snide Diary Room comments
to yourself – you know, unless you’re BB12’s Britney and said comments happen to be hilarious enough to win you a few grand.
2. Don’t Lie
You’ve all seen Big Brother before, so you know there’s going to be a caveat to this one. It is, of course, perfectly acceptable
to hustle some chump into an alliance then backdoor him at the earliest opportunity. That’s just how you play the game. I’m
talking about the stupid, senseless lies: “I’m only 18” (Scrappy-Doo) or “I’m just a shoe salesman” (Captain Kosher).
Nobody cares. I’m going to say it again, because it bears repeating. NOBODY CARES! Houseguests who make these stupid mistakes
are following the backward logic that their fellow houseguests will team up on them if they “seem like a threat” or “don’t
need the money”. If I’m on Big Brother, I want to win half-a-million bucks, and so do you. That’s all the reason I need to see
you as a threat.
In short (150 words later…), all of the upkeep involved with these unnecessary lies is just one more thing that you have to
deal with in addition to all of the “acceptable” deception and other fun stuff synonymous with Big Brother. Not to mention that
when the best friend who you told the truth to inevitably turns on you and lets the cat out of the bag, your proverbial goose is cooked.
3. Just Win, Baby
This is the big one. “Throwing the competition” is a tricky maneuver. Every once in a while, it’s great for keeping your hands
clean – especially when the PoV is at stake and the fate of a “public friend, private foe” hangs in the balance. But this should
be a last resort, not a strategy.
Maybe I’m just being naïve, but I think that the best way to win the competition is… wait for it… to try to win the competition.
Afraid that everybody’s going to gang up on you? Be a man and win the PoV! In the end, there’s a bit of luck and gamesmanship
involved, but I guarantee that, on average, you have a better chance to sticking around as a gamer than as dead weight.
And while I’m ranting in this general direction, we need to put a statute of limitations on claiming that you’re “trying to
look weak”. If it’s Day 41, and you haven’t won a thing, you can’t start claiming that your plan is working perfectly. I’m
giving you 10 days to go on record with your “throwing the competitions” strategy, or I’ll be forced to assume that you
So that’s it. I’ll be watching every episode of Big Brother 13 from the comfort of my own home this season.
If you don’t want to do the same, take my advice.
Drew, the Big Brother Cynic